Having Lazy Day

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I gave myself a low expectations day.

Did not exactly do nothing but what I did was no pressure and very little 'I don't want to but I have to' things.  The only thing in that last category was having to call in renewals to two prescriptions.  I hate using the phone.  Hate it to the level of phobia.  My sister is still making and taking nearly all of my phone calls but for the prescription renewals that can be handled without talking to a person I'm learning to do them.

Baby steps.

I made it through a whole day without any waterworks.  In fact I think it has been two.  I can't be certain but the last meltdown episode I can remember with clarity was Thursday before dinner.

This morning I spent a couple hours crocheting while listening to news pods.  I'm a month behind on listening to my news pods.  No actually before I started listening two days ago I was backed up all the way to April 3rd.  I reached April 10th this afternoon.

I spent another two hours text chatting with Ed this afternoon.  Hopefully he'll have Internet hooked up at his folks by Monday evening and we can once again video chat.  Miss the sound of his voice.

Right after we said our good-byes, I spent an hour playing with Merlin--brushing and taking him for a walk outside on his leash.  That has become my ritual segue from chatting with Ed.  I go down to the laundry room and share my missing him with the other warm body that misses him.  I hope it won't be long before Merlin can hang with me and not have to be 'in jail'.

Also fiddled in the metadata of my calibre ebook library for a few minutes.  Added some more ebooks to the library as well.

All on my list of Comfort Activities.

I was planning to reestablish my ROW80 check-ins tonight.  But I'm feeling too lazy.  Maybe by Wednesday I'll be ready to get back on that track.

Baby steps.

For the next couple of hours I plan to crochet while watching vids.  Possibly back to the news pods but I am thinking of watching a story on Netflix.  Have not done that since I arrived at my Mom's in January.  There are several TV shows whose next seasons I was waiting for and a couple of them are now available.  One of them is Bones and the last episode of that I watched was a major cliffhanger.

But before I can do that I need to go empty the sink into the dishwasher for my sister.  Am trying to take that on for her.

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Crawling Out of the Wallow

The Walking Willows

I am sitting in The Electric Bean cafe with my sister as I type this line, listening to this band and sipping a Brava decaf.

Going to the EB with Carri was one of the things on my list of Comfort Activities that I started making last night as I worked on Thursday's post where I said I'd given myself one whole week to wallow and it was time to wean myself off the waterworks.

Other things on the list:

Go to the library
Walk over at Lake Sacajawea
Work out on Mini Tramp
Take Merlin out to explore yard
Read novels
Watch movies
Crochet or other fiber art
Write stories and poems
Read to Mom
Play computer solitaire games==Spider and Mahjong top my list of favs
Sort and organize stuff.  Yeah I'm weird that way and there is lots of it to deal with after the move.  And after I get mine swung there is Mom's...
The Family Photo Scan Project--finish scanning and start creating virtual albums and have Mom talk about the who, what, when and where
Research
Visit Powell's bookstore in Portland
Go thread or yarn shopping
Hold or play with a baby--problem is there are not babies in my life right now.  Calling all babies....

And of course there are the daily chats and email exchanges with Ed and soon we'll have video chat back and more than once a day contact.

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The Last Supper

Salmon Steak on Bed of Romaine Lettuce with Mandarin Orange Slices and Sunflower Seeds and Honey Mustard and Lemon Dressing

This was the Salmon plate Ed made and served me last Wednesday.  One of the things I'm going to miss most about not living with him is his cooking and especially these salmon platters he make me on the nights he wants hot dogs.  They are never exactly the same twice.  He might use something already on hand or he might shop special for a flavor combo.  This one was the former and it was excellent.  He made the dressing himself too.

One of my favorites is when he substitutes jicama for the lettuce and uses two or three of the following fruits: passion fruit, mango, papaya and/or peach.  Another one I like is spinach with tomato and avocado.

His cooking is on my mind tonight because we just used the last of the spaghetti sauce from the dinner he made for me and Carri before she left me there for a week.  We had frozen the leftovers down and he sent them home with us.

He also sent the leftover burrito makings from our last meal together last Thursday night.  He makes burritos by mixing the refried beans, meat, garlic, onions, bell pepper and occasionally precooked rice all into one large pan then setting up a salad bar type thing for the tomatoes,  salsa, shredded cheese, sour cream, avocado, green onion and olives.  We finished up the burrito stuff here Tuesday evening.  Ed had not added rice this time but Carri stretched the leftovers for the four of us by adding it herself.

I had been making a point of joining the family here for the evening meal most days but as I dished up my spaghetti tonight I knew I needed to be alone with it to savor it and think about him and, yes, cry if I wanted to.  So I took my plate in to the room that has become my hangout--combination office, workout room and closet.  I sat on the mini-tramp which is where I've spent the majority of my waking hours since Monday.

I was realizing that I needed to do something to snap out of my funk soon and as I ate the concept of comfort food crossed my mind and instantly translated into the idea of comfort activities.  I started listing some of the things that I like to do with the intent to start adding them back.  Starting with the tramp workouts which I've not done once since leaving Phoenix last Friday and I had been on the tramp down there for one to two hours every day and that was on top of the walk to the library.

Speaking of library visits.  That went on the list and I've asked Carri if we can fit one in this weekend as she is going to be without the car all next week while it is having the driver side door and mirror repaired from her encounter with a pole in a parking lot the week before we left.  We are going to try.

There were quite a number of things that ended up on my list but I guess I will save the rest for when they actually happen.

I've given myself one solid week to mope and wallow.  It is time to reengage with the NOW, with what IS.  Baby steps tho.  I"m sure it isn't going to be like flipping a switch.

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Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two:

This is the second post this week that I'm linking back to that Hyperbole and a Half post for the context that makes sense out of mine.  The first one is here.

While reading that post Monday afternoon I comforted myself with the thought that at least it has never been quite so bad for me that I've ever found myself sprawled on the kitchen floor making puddles with my eyes ala Alice in Wonderland.  Nor had I ever cracked up over something so innocuous as a desiccated kernel of corn.  Tho I half envied Allie that particular pity party interuptus.

Twice since Monday I've wanted to tell my sister to 'let me find my own kernel of corn' as she keeps coaching me on my affect even demonstrating what it should look like--big smiles, happy dance, say WOW, look at the pretty flowers and let the happy happen...

Seriously not helping.  Only makes me feel more inadequate not to mention irritated followed by guilty followed by shame.  Followed by more puddle pieces dripping off my chin.

Then today my sister had errands out of town leaving me on duty with Mom and responsible for lunch and dinner. Something I was pleased to be able to do.  It's a chance to lift some of the burden and demonstrate some of my developing autonomy which my counselor Monday was delighted to hear I'd begun craving.

So then.  I set out to make toasted cheese sandwiches and tomato soup.  Easy peasey.

Uh huh.

I turned the griddle in the middle of the stove on medium and the burner on the front left on medium under the pan of soup and went to the fridge to get the brick of cheese out of the cheese drawer.  And promptly pulled the cheese drawer off its tracks.  It would not slide back in nor slide on out.  As I fussed with it I knocked items on the shelf below it onto the floor.  Primarily the boxes of new batteries.  Open boxes to make it easier to grab batteries.  Which of course makes it easier to spill them all over the floor.

Couldn't worry about the batteries though until I could get the fridge door shut.  But several minutes of tugging, jiggling, pushing and spluttering got me nowhere and I soon noticed steam rising off the pan of soup.  If my nephew hadn't been at school I might have started yelling for him to come help me but there was nothing for it but  to let go of the cheese drawer hoping it would not break off under its own weight and walk away from the open fridge to turn the burner down to low.

Then I got down on the floor in front of the fridge so I could see the tracks the drawer was supposed to be set in and see if anything was snagged in them.  That wasn't it.  So several more minutes of tapping and rapping and slapping and wriggling commenced.  Until my arms felt like melted cheese and words I can't speak and shouldn't think in my mother's house clogged my throat and I felt my face start to slide off and my lips wad up and the puddle piddle start and I thought, Seriously?  I'm going to do THIS now?  Now?  On the kitchen floor?

Of course I am.  Why wouldn't I be doing the very thing I'd been congratulating myself on never having done just forty hours ago.

Please!  I said.  Not a prayer exactly.  But it seemed to work like one because suddenly the drawer just came loose and I fell backwards nearly into that full out laying on the kitchen floor thing that I'd been so proud to have never stooped to before.   But at least the surprise had frozen my face and stopped the eye juice in its tracks.

I soon had the drawer back in place and the fridge door closed but as I put my hand to the floor to lever myself up it landed on a battery reminding me I had to gather them up before one of them tripped me or Mom and so I crawled on hands and knees after them and as I started to put my face on the floor to look under the fridge for any strays I realized that some Trickster Puppetmaster was still yanking my strings to make me play out the whole scenario from Hyperbole and a Half's kitchen floor episode.

Just before my cheek touched the floor I stopped because I there was no point after all.  If anything was under there--batteries, dust bunnies, shriveled peas, cat toys--I would never see them as even with a megawatt flashlight I'd never be able to get the narrow funnel of my visual field at the right level or angle.

But my mind's eye has no visual impairment whatsoever and it caught a glimpse as if from above of my chubby butt pointing up and flabby gut hanging down and my hair on the floor like a dustmop.

The look of someone caught in the act of a bizarre genuflecting to some clown deity.

And the voice in my headcheese spoke clearly saying Now would be the perfect time for the nephew to arrive home from school.

Oh no you don't I said scrambling to my feet as tho suddenly reinvested with my own 18 year old muscles and  and energy.  That's not funny.

Headcheese: Ah but it is a bit.  And you know it.  And I saw that smile you know.  You can't hide it from me by keeping it locked on the inside.

Me: Oh go suck on a battery.

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It's Like This

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I have a massive sinus headache tonight.  I'm sure it's at least partially due to the several hundred liters of tears I've shed since Thursday evening.  But it's probably partly cat hair and dander from all the cuddling Merlin has been getting and pollen from taking him for excursions in the yard, and dust I've stirred up while unpacking the last van load from our house in Phoenix, and cleaning and rearranging the areas of the rooms I'm using at Mom's.  Then there is the fact that the light on the central air system shows it is time to clean the filter.

The tears (for those just tuning int) are from having had to just leave my husband behind again Friday morning without any idea this time when the next time will be or where now that the last of my stuff is our of our house and by tomorrow so will be Ed and his stuff.

Today's main task was the appointment with the Social Security Administration about getting me back on disability based on my visual impairment.    This was the latest aftershock generated by the lifequake that hit me in late January when I learned that I was no longer covered by insurance from Ed's job.  This created the dilemma that has me feeling like I'm caught in a snare that is binding me hands and feet.

Options are few.  None of them desirable.

My health issues are life-threatening without medical care with blood pressure and mood disorder being the primary issues.  But even with the part-time nature of Ed's job and the fact that for half the year or more he draws unemployment--a week or two out of every month between Christmas and Halloween--he makes too much for me to qualify for aide. The waiting list for getting on the Oregon Health Plan is nearly a year long.  Thus, in order to get my health issues tended to I have to not be living with him.

Or in other words I can live.  Or I can live with my husband.  So much for Defense of Marriage, right?

The last time I was on SSI disability Ed was not working at all.  He was drawing unemployment for a time until that ran out but then it was just my SSI that was supporting us both and we couldn't afford to risk the medical benefits aspect of it for him to take a job that did not include medical benefits for me.

Eventually he did find one having used the time he was unemployed to teach himself HTML and several other web development skills and snagging a tech job in the Silicon Valley in the late 90s that took us out of the poverty level for the first time ever.  That lasted 22 months before the dot.com crash in 2001 took it away from us and we had to move in with his folks in the Rogue Valley and he took the job he still has with a company whose primary products are seasonal and/or holiday.  Except for Fruit of the Month and Dessert of the Month Clubs.

Only an honored few below management level are kept on year around and most of those are kept at part time.  But they would continue to make health insurance part of the perks as a way to control turnover and hang onto the cadre that would train and supervise the battalions of seasonal workers hired for the fruit packing season in the fall and the Christmas season between Halloween and New Year.  A year ago they took that away from the part timers and took hours away from them to insure they wouldn't have to provide it.

It was the health coverage that made that job indispensable in spite of the income keeping us under the poverty level and unable to get into our own home again for over a decade.  It was only because our recent landlord was a friend who waived first, last and deposits and took some of the rent in labor that we were able to get into the trailer Christmas week of 2011.  Now he has to sell the trailer and had to ask us to move out.

Which nixed our plan for Ed to hang onto the job and the house down there while I lived with my Mom and applied for aide in order to maintain my meds until we could get on the Oregon Health Plan so I could come home.  Now there is no home to come back to and Ed is moving back in with his folks.

And I just found out today that I probably shouldn't be on the waiting list for the Oregon Health Plan while I'm living in Washington.  So there goes that hope.

And again I say, So much for Defense of Marriage yadayda.  Obviously those guys aren't all that concerned about preserving marriages or they wouldn't create programs that create such impossible dilemmas for married couples.

So the waterworks are going full force this week as I struggle to deal with all of this while in the throes of an unstabilized mood disorder--missing Ed, grieving over the loss of our home, trying to find how to fit into the chaos of this household run by my baby sister around the needs of our elderly blind mother, feeling like a burden to my family and intense shame as I jump through the social service hoops...

The next hoop is Thursday when I get the eye exam that proves I'm still legally blind and haven't experienced a miracle cure for Retinitas Pigmentosa in the last two decades.

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When 'Up' is a Foreign Lettered Word

an den ai feedz mai ded fishez to it
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Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two:

'via Blog this'

I wish I had the creativity and the courage to write that post.  It is the most on target description I've ever encountered.  But even if I had the creativity and the courage today I wouldn't have had the motivation.  Today was a puddle-on-the-floor day.

When I expressed alarm to my counselor today over the frequency, intensity and duration of these meltdowns and the disconcerting way I am often launching out of them into euphoria or plunging out of euphoria back into a puddle on the floor she reminded me that I have actually had a number of significant losses and other shocks in the last several months and need to allow for the grieving process to run its course.  Then she pointed out the elements of progress she can see and how significant they are.  Tho I could see the same elements they did not have a glow of hope to them today rather they grayed against the shimmer of the past and future hopes that have been yanked away from me.

In other words there is a toddler in me throwing a tantrum over not getting her way.  I think I liked it better when she just sat quietly sucking her thumb so I could go numb.

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Sunday Serenity #336

This song has been one of the things helping me get through this rough skied weekend--the first days and nights away from Ed again and this time with no idea when the next time might be nor where as I was also leaving behind for the last time the house we called home for the last sixteen months with no idea when or where we might again have a place to make our home together.

I first heard the song on the radio at home while listening to Delilah with Ed during one of our last evenings together. Then yesterday I heard it again when surfing the FM band here in Longview looking for the local station that carries Delilah.  I never did find one so tonight I checked online to see if there even was one.  There is one Portland station but it won't come in on the radio I'm using.  Whether that is the fault of the radio or the location of this room I don't know but in the list of stations across America that carry Delilah there were several that also provide live feed online for the same hours they are airing the show--I chose KBAY out of San Jose because we once called the Bay Area home.  But there is an Internet station called iheart that carries the show all the time.  So I will get my Delilah fix one of those ways.

Tho I discovered tonight that it is nearly impossible to listen to a radio station online while trying to do anything else with the browser.  Whether composing this post, searching or composing emails everything kept freezing and crashing.  So I guess I'll have to save it for when I'm crocheting or working out on the mini-tramp.

Listening to Delilah and the music together had become something we cherished by the end of our week together and by that last night Ed had changed his mind about having me take the boombox with me as he'd rediscovered the importance of music to his happiness and wanted to be able to listen to Delilah in honor of us while we are apart.

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